Mates are great. They text you about things like Love Island. On the weekend, they ask you out for a pint and say things like, “How’s the job?” and “Oh no, shall we get some gear?” You may not be a good co-worker, partner or footballer, but being a good (or at least fun) mate? Easy. It’s basically just having a silly time with silly people like you – a Hall of Fame low-risk, high-reward venture.
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So why in the fuck don’t I have any?! Better yet, why don’t you have any? Millennials have long been dubbed the “loneliest generation” – we’re lonely people, you and I. We’re sexless, mortgage-less, godless loners, loitering in rented homes, living for pointless things such as “memes” and “nostalgia”. But while it may feel like we’re being bullied by the boomers running the media, there’s actually a lot of truth to it. Think back to you a few years ago: Fresh out of uni, bountiful friends wanting pints every night, by all accounts in your social prime. Then we have you right now: Your proper pals that make you belly laugh have gone all “marriage-curious” and started slapping down deposits on a two-up two-down in Hastings, while you’re single and haven’t made a proper mate outside work since pints cost four quid. This is a huge pity because mates are mint, and as we age it genuinely becomes harder to make them: We have less time, less social spaces (other than work), and Lady Corona took away all our social skills. But lucky for us, big tech has our backs and has made a handful of apps specifically for friend-making. Forever the guinea pig, I thought I’d test the most downloaded apps to spare you from the utter humiliation they’ll inevitably bring me.
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1. Wink
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2. Yubo
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I think if you can find your own niche on Yubo and make friends on there with similar interests, you could legitimately get some sort of social high from the app. I, however, want actual IRL friends and live streaming with people in Milwaukee didn’t help with that. Friend rating: 2/5 And finally, the only app to take a strong stance on any potential chirpsing with an anti-flirting mechanism: Enter the platonic king, Patook. The set-up is the swipe-right approach, once again, but there are lots of funky features for you to go all-in on the type of person you are. From your pet peeves to dreams and goals, when you see a profile, you feel like you genuinely get an idea of who they are. It is, however, strange to be on an app that isn’t trying to be sexy in any way whatsoever – some people literally had trees as their profile picture. Within days I was having multiple conversations with people – all aged over 30 and, according to the profiles, all married too. It was a totally different crowd to the other apps (which I welcomed, because they were meanies) and one conversation with a woman named Lisa seemed to have the most potential for friendship, so I asked if she wanted to go for a drink. She emphatically agreed and we set a date.On the day, it did feel weird walking to the bar we agreed upon, I had the nerves of an actual date – without the high stakes. I was excited, but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t any hesitance on my behalf, this was kicked in anxious overdrive when I messaged Lisa to check-in while walking there and she didn’t reply.
3. Patook
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After waiting at the bar for 20 minutes I felt my phone buzz. I pulled it out expecting a “sorry, I’m late” text, so I called the barkeep over for another order, but no: “Sorry Kieron, can we arrange? Something’s popped up!” A devastating blow for this friend-hunter. I feel I should give Patook a low score, because it wasn’t the most fun app and I got stood up. But there genuinely were heaps of people on there wanting real friendships. All the responses I received were lengthy and heartfelt, but it did feel like it was leaning more towards pen pals rather than IRL mates – which for many people isn’t a bad thing. Ultimately, despite my humiliating “meet-up”, the app is probably worth a go if you just want someone to talk to about everything and anything with.Friend rating: 3/5 Is this wave of friend-apps a panacea for millennial loneliness? Well, after spending two weeks on the apps, I feel pretty much as lonely as I did before – not to mention the costs of the much-needed therapy for the accent insults. Sadly, it feels like the best bet for making mates is still getting down the pub. Sorry, tech bros.