The Hangover News

Good News
THE TALIBAN HAVE PROMISED TO START A NEW CAMPAIGN OF MASS SUICIDE ATTACKS
Which is a weird kind of promise, in that I can't imagine too many people want it upheld

(Photo by AM Goraya)

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The Taliban in Afghanistan have vowed to start a new campaign of mass suicide attacks and "insider attacks" now that they're coming out of their harsh winter into spring – apparently the perfect season to strap explosives to your chest and saunter into an opposition military base.

Whether it's the region's pretty orange blossoms starting to sprout, or the fact that it's just hard to mobilise insurgents when the roads are covered in two feet of snow, something about spring regularly gets the Taliban in the mood to go on the attack.

After announcing their spring offensive last year, the Taliban targeted Western embassies and the Afghan parliament in Kabul with suicide bombers and an 18-hour fire-fight.

This year differs to previous years, though, because the International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) is increasing the rate at which it hands security responsibility from foreign to Afghan forces, so the Nato-led military coalition with undoubtedly be keeping a close eye on how that pans out.

Droning Demos
A BUNCH OF PEOPLE PROTESTED AGAINST THE UK'S USE OF MILITARY DRONES
Turns out the public aren't into remote death-bots killing innocent families from thousands of miles away

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Hundreds of peace campaigners gathered outside an RAF base near Lincoln to protest against the use of British-operated military drones in Afghanistan.

The drones in question were previously operated from a US Air Force base in Nevada, but control has recently been moved to RAF Waddington, which protesters weren't very happy about.

That's presumably because wantonly bombing foreign soil from thousands of miles away and killing innocent families while they're at it is kind of tricky to justify. Unless you're Time columnist Joe Klein, in which case you just make the argument that, duh, Afghan kids obviously need to die to save America's (more) precious children.

The organisers of the protest are calling on the government to abandon the use of drones, claiming they make it easier for politicians to launch military interventions.

It's unclear whether they've realised that the government and politicians are the same set of people.

Rap Game Castros
THAT JIHADIST RAPPER GUY SURVIVED AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT
Making him a tiny bit like Obie Trice or Cam'ron, only not talented at all

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Omar Hammami, an American "jihadist rapper" living in Somalia, has claimed that he survived an assassination attempt by al-Shabaab, the Islamist militant group he used to fight for.

Hammami tweeted, "just been shot in neck by shabab assassin. not critical yet", which seems an odd thing to do when you've literally just been shot.

Although, I suppose you have to keep your social media presence up when your MCing is worse than both Steve-O and Jerome Rogers' attempts at rapping combined.

Hammami is believed to have fought for al-Shabaab against the US-backed Somali government until a very public spat led to him being ousted from the group.

The extremist Eazy-E then began posting videos accusing al-Shabaab leaders of corruption, which they dismissed as a "narcissistic pursuit of fame and… far removed from the reality on the ground".

The Realised Dreams of Tommy Chong 
A JUDGE ORDERED POLICE TO RETURN A MAN'S SEIZED MARIJUANA
Stoners around the world lit up celebratory bongs and exhaled plumes of victory

(Photo by Abdullah Saeed)

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Jack Emery – a Municipal Court judge in Tacoma, Washington – ordered police to return a small amount of cannabis they seized from a man who is authorised to possess medicinal marijuana.

Stoners all around the world guffawed and high-fived each other until they forgot what they were so happy about and went back to watching online videos of goats screaming like humans.

The judge first ordered police to return the weed on the 28th of February, but they refused. If they were to refuse again, Judge Emery warned them that they could find themselves in contempt of court.

The ruling is a second victory for Washington's weed smokers in a matter of months, after state voters decided to legalise small amounts of the drug in December last year.

Hard Lives
A MAN WAS TOLD TO LEAVE SAUDI ARABIA FOR BEING "TOO HANDSOME"
Which must have been a really difficult thing to go through

(Photo via)

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Spare a thought for Omar Borkan Al Gala, an actor and photographer from Dubai who was asked to leave Saudi Arabia last week for being "too handsome".

Officials were reportedly worried that Al Gala might corrupt impressionable women at the annual Janadriyah Cultural Festival near Riyadh with his defined cheekbones and lovely sculpted beard.

It seems ridiculous, but I suppose when there's a threat of women potentially being attracted to a man, you have to pull out all the stops to make sure no such evil can be carried out.