We Interviewed a Melbourne Guy Who Sets Up Grow Houses

Most of Australia's weed isn't grown outside in the sunshine. Instead, it comes out of hydro systems in suburban homes, warehouses, and shipping containers. These are called grow houses, and putting one together requires effort. First of all, you need a location that won't attract attention, followed by a power source that doesn't have your name on it. Suspect bills are bad for business, so most grow houses steal electricity from their neighbours. Then there's all the ventilation to diffuse the smell, the plumbing, and the light proofing so the property doesn't glow when the lights come on. Basically, setting up a grow house is hard, so growers often outsource to experts.

VICE sat down with one such expert, a guy we'll call Tom. He does everything from setups in wardrobes to warehouses. I was introduced to him by a friend-of-a-friend who employed him to set up a small hydro house in his backyard.

Tom is really more of a weed connoisseur than an engineer. He showed up wearing an ancient Parkway Drive t-shirt, and started our conversation by complaining about how hustlers with get-rich-quick schemes had ruined cannabis cultivation in Australia. I asked him if I could write about our conversation and he agreed.

VICE: Hey Tom, tell me about how you got into this line of work.
Tom: I grew up in the outer suburbs. My parents were migrants and we didn't really live near any of our extended family. I had a few friends that were skaters in high school and my mate's uncle would always hook us up with weed. When we were about 16, we went over to his house on a Friday night and he had a few of his mates over. We all thought he was a bit of a legend.

One night, he told us to follow him out back to his shed. We thought he was going to let us shoot his rifle or something, but then he opened this cabinet and there was this bright glowing light and there were a couple of massive plants. I just stood there in awe. We just thought it was the coolest thing ever. I've been obsessed with growing crops ever since.

Explain the hydro process to me.
Okay, so there are a few main types of hydro systems. There's the wick system, ebb and flow, drip and deep-water culture. Most people that I work for use the ebb and flow system because it takes the least amount of time and effort. Your plants basically just sit in a tray that's suspended over a reservoir, they're both connected through a pump that sends nutrient-rich water once or twice a day flooding the tray. Once it's done, the tray will dump the water back into the reservoir. After setup, it's all just a matter of checking levels and adding appropriate nutrients when its time.

What's the biggest setup you've been involved in?
Well I'll start by warning that the biggest setups don't necessarily yield the best crops. I was involved in setting up a massive warehouse our in rural Victoria for some young Chinese guys. It was 1,000 square metres, all hydro with generators, an industrial mulcher and a tank the size of two swimming pools to supply the water. But it was a fucking disaster the way they wanted to run it. They just wanted mass produced shit and they were really cheap about the whole thing. They didn't even want to cover fuel or motels while we were staying up there. Anyway, even though it was a real shit storm, they got what they wanted. A totally average setup that produced shitty weed that some broke teenagers are probably scoring in Footscray after school. They'll probably assume all weed is this horrible and move onto a different drug. That's what my biggest issue is, people producing really shit bud and turning people off it when it is much cleaner and less toxic than something like alcohol. But thanks to karma, the same guys got busted in an even bigger setup in NSW. They're now in jail now because they got too greedy and wanted to cut too many corners.

So if that's an example of a setup that produces shit bud, what's your ideal version?
All the people that I set up now are quite small but passionate. They all smoke and want to smoke only the best, and that's why they aren't even interested in selling because they don't want it wasted. They aren't in the business to grow a 100 crops and sell them at $2,500 a pound, they'd rather grow 10 crops and sell them a bit pricier but in quarters. And if the customers aren't happy they can fuck off and get the cheap shit they're used to.

I once worked for an Albanian guy who had served in the military and ran a string of flower shops. He was an extremely intense and burly dude. A real professional though, he liked to run everything like clockwork and had hardly anything to do with the operation once it was up. He was like a fucking ghost in the business. I'd only meet him when he had to pay us for the setup. He made us meet him in the back of an Albanian club that had all these international channels on big screen TVs, they would jam to Albanian pop songs and drink us under the table. Who was the weirdest client you ever had?

How did the deal go down?
We thought fuck, these guys were so funny, massive ex-military Albanians that run flower shops and listen to Balkan pop. But around 2 AM there was a really loud bang out the front. Apparently the'd been playing cards the night before and one of the Bosnian guys thought he'd been cheated or some shit, so he came back with a .22mm target pistol. He was pissed out of his mind and waving it around out front, so then they let this fucking psychopath come inside. I immediately bailed into the kitchen and hid beneath a table, two shots rang out and people were yelling. The Albanian guy came to get me and found it so funny that I was crouched like that. They just laughed it off and said he was drunk, but I bet there was more to the story. The guy put two shots in the ceiling. I never went back to that fucking clubhouse.

Fair enough. But given your clients are around this sort of thing, how can you trust them? How are you sure they won't snitch on you?
I operate within a pretty tight community. A lot of older dudes that take it pretty seriously and aren't doing it for bragging rights. I only work with people I know well or are recommended by someone within our circle. The system is working for the time being, so why fuck with it by introducing more people and problems? It becomes all about checks and balances in a weird way. You look at how much you stand to gain versus how much you could potentially lose, in terms of money and time spent in prison.

Have you ever turned down a job?
My general rule of thumb is that I refuse to work with bikies or crims that hold any kind of street reputation. If people are too well-known, I'd rather not associate with them because chances are they're already being watched. The flashy crims always have the loudest mouths and I really prefer to operate from the shadows. I'm not in this line of work because I want to be a cool badass. I'm in it strictly for business.

In your mind, what's the difference between a good product and a bad one?
Bad weed that tastes like shit and is sprayed down with all sorts of chemicals like hairspray. It comes from the Asian gangs, they weigh it down so they can charge more, but the high is fucking disgusting. It's like the fake weed you buy from sex shops, it just affects you in ways it really shouldn't.

What are the best strains you've produced?
I brought a bunch of seeds back with me from the States. I met a few guys there who were super. The photos I've supplied are of the Critical Mass (Indica) crops and the Durban Poison (Sativa) crop. Another two hot favourites floating around Melbourne are the Sour Diesel (Sativa) strain and the Blueberry Afghani (Indica).

It's kind of cool how passionate you are.
Yeah well, I just love the product and I believe there's a lot of people ruining it with different agents which is why people have negative reactions and experiences. I believe in producing the best so everyone can understand how much we can benefit from the crop, whether it be for medicinal purposes or depression, or as a substitute for other intoxicants like alcohol or designer drugs.

Thanks Tom.
No, thank you.

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