This article originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere. My mother is Dutch-Indonesian and my father is Irish-Lebanese. I was born in Canada and live in the Netherlands. That feeling of balancing between worlds – none of which I could make my way into – brought on an identity crisis. I don’t identify with Dutch culture but can’t call myself a foreigner; I have Lebanese roots but don’t speak Arabic, and could I really call myself Indonesian if I’ve never been there?
Advertisement
Then, I came across a concept that helped me begin to make sense of my identity and my relationship to it. “Racial imposter syndrome” is a term popularised by an episode of the American podcast Code Switch, broadcasted in 2018. It describes feelings of insecurity and doubt that arise when an individual’s own sense of their racial or ethnic identity doesn’t fit with how others perceive them. Lacking a stable sense of belonging, you end up feeling like an “imposter” trying to be part of a community which doesn’t fully accept you.Dutch psychologist Eneida Delgado Silva explained that these feelings stem from the fact that the culture and background we’re born into plays a huge role in shaping our identity. “During the first phase of your life, everything is about safety, so you want to be accepted by your parents,” she says. “You automatically take on their culture: It is a prerequisite for feeling secure. If, though, you can’t take that on, it will have an impact on your identity and your emotional development.”She goes on to say that maintaining a sense of consistency in regards to your identity becomes even more important as you get older. “During puberty, when you’re constantly in flux, having a steady base to fall back on is important. This starts with your parents and adjacent family members: how they respond to you, and whether you feel like you belong with them, or not.”
Advertisement
There are numerous factors which can contribute to racial imposter syndrome. Some are external, like being confronted with discrimination and racism in the wider world. Others are more inward, like feeling as if the interests and attributes you have don’t line up with how other people expect you to act and behave based on their perception of your identity.It should be noted that racial imposter syndrome isn’t a term with a recognised or official diagnosis, but that doesn’t stop it from being a useful framing device for people who have regularly had reasons to question their place in the world. “It is often accompanied by feelings of loneliness and emptiness, of wanting to overcompensate to meet other people’s expectations, of not feeling at home anywhere and wanting to change who you are,” said Silva. “It can lead to depression, anxiety, and burnout.”While researching the topic, it became apparent that there are many people, often from families with complex migration backgrounds, who struggle with these thoughts and feelings. It may sound strange, but seeing that was meaningful to me: I finally felt understood.I decided to share my findings on social media, where I received many responses from people who were hearing the term for the first time. They told me that they felt heard and had finally found words to describe a feeling they’d had for a long time. I asked three of them about what racial imposter syndrome means to them.
Advertisement
‘There was a different Rokoya for every situation – that was exhausting’
‘We live in a society where people really lean in on the expectations they have of you based on their first impression’
Advertisement
The thing is, someone else’s ignorance isn’t your fault. They don’t know what you’re going through, so try not to let it bother you too much. I know I’m fun, funny, and kind. If that isn’t enough for people, that’s their loss. Not mine. - Jahrai Veldt, 33, is Surinamese and Korean