Our TV channel VICELAND has been on air for a full year in New Zealand. Since December 1 2016 we’ve been bringing you everything that’s important, weird, or funny you want to watch—24-hours a day, seven days a week on SKY Channel 13. We’ve taken in the majestic glory that is Matty Matheson in a Rotorua mud bath in DEAD SET ON LIFE, were first on the scene in the fight for Indigenous Rights at Standing Rock in RISE, explored the resurgence of Ta Moko in NEEDLES & PINS, been to the frontline of cannabis law reform in WEEDIQUETTE and the weaponisation of the internet in CYBERWAR and perennial VICELAND favourite Action Bronson came to Auckland and made an epic bagel with Al Brown.
We love birthdays. But not everyone does, and for good reason. For no other reason than it rhymes with first, we asked people their worst birthday experiences. This is what they had to say.
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IAN, 22
The music starts going and a little French stripper comes strutting up to me, and tells me to take off my shirt. I’m like, "No, no, definitely not", but sure enough she rips me buttons apart. So now I'm up there in just a sleeveless undershirt tucked into my pants. After that she tells me to take my pants off. She rips off my belt and begins to wrestle to get my pants off. This is all happening while I'm sitting on a chair. I’m wrestling to keep my pants up, and she's trying to rip them down off me, and because we’re going back and forth my weight shifts back and I fall back on the chair while she goes flying back over my head onto the stage behind me. I try to gather myself on all fours on the stage and all I feel is her hand wrap around my neck, and she whispers ,"You made me fall, now you're going to pay" in her French accent.
So I'm down on all fours on the fucking stage, she rips off my undershirt with my pants down around my knees, she takes my belt and starts whipping me across the ass and back. She takes my underwear and rips those so my ass is out and she's literally like slapping me. Meanwhile all of my friends and buddies are crying laughing in the audience and cannot believe what they're seeing. For her final trick she yells out to the audience and says "Who has a lighter? I need a lighter!" Some idiot tosses her up a lighter and she bundles up my underwear as if she was going to give me a wedgie, and then fucking sets my underwear on fire. I have to slap my own ass to pat the fire out. I stand up, grab my belt, shirt, and haul up my pants only to realise my underwear is all tore up and everyone can see my ass. And I stumble off the stage in a complete frenzy, all while my friends are out of their minds laughing, and in total shock of what they just saw.
MARGOT, 23
OLIVIA, 22
Mum calls up my friend’s Mum, they lived down the road and just said “we’re coming to pick up Jemma” so down we hoon to poor Jemma’s house. In silence. You could snap the tension with a knife. Jemma hops in with a look of pure cringe on her face. We drive to Johnsonville which is this shithole place out of Wellington. It’s pouring with rain. And Mum takes us to this sit down, shitty bakery for lunch. Jemma is trying to make conversation but Mum and I are just staring daggers because I’m like, Are you fucking serious Helen—a fucking bakery? Anyway we drop Jemma home. Poor thing couldn’t get out of the car fast enough. Mum sped home literally dropped me off at the door and left. I just cried for the rest of the afternoon till Dad got home. He had also forgotten, but Mum had given him a full rundown of my “petulant, ungrateful behaviour” so he was mad as hell at me also. Safe to say I’ve never forgotten my super sweet 16.