Dr. Henry Morgentaler Was the Coolest

Yesterday one of my favorite people in the world died, but it’s okay because he was ninety and he didn’t get shot in the face like everybody thought he would. I’m talking about—you guessed it—DOCTOORRR HENRY MORGENTALLEERRR, everybody’s favorite abortionist.

Dr. Morgentaler survived numerous terrorist attacks between 1980-2000, after years of struggling to keep his medical license while catering to the popular abortion-demand. Perhaps one of the more intense attempts to end his life, was that of Augusto Dantas, who literally tried to slice him in half with garden sheers at the opening of his Toronto clinic in 1983.

But way back in 1967, Dr. Morgentaler had been working as a general practitioner, and around that time there was a lot of political discussion about the legalization of contraceptives. Can you imagine? Wanting to fuck all the time but always having to pull out and probably accidentally getting semen into the wrong place at the wrong time? You’d be fucked. You’d have no money because of the seven children you’d be forced to take care of.  Another pregnancy would sound like a death sentence.

At that point Morgentaler would have been dealing with a lot of families who were super bummed out. Picture the moms saying: “Please, please, don’t let me pregnant again.” He’s like, “Oh fuck, someone’s gotta do something about this or I’m gonna lose it.”

So Dr. Morgentaler goes to the House of Commons and he’s like, “Listen, I’ve got an idea.” It was 1969 and he had just proposed the legalization of abortion. That’s it. He merely suggested it as an idea and then all of a sudden, a fucking avalanche of women comes hurling in, they’re all begging him to exterminate the fertilized reproductive cells growing inside of their bodies.

He stepped up to help all of these women and, to me, that’s fucking nuts. Would you ever have the balls to walk out in front of a bunch of crazy religious extremists, like a giant fleshy target, just to help somebody else? He’s a fucking hero. He pioneered legal abortion in Canada, why isn’t everyone celebrating right now? We all love the idea of being able to structure our lives around a series of personal goals—isn’t that what we’ve been taught since we could learn how to talk? “What do you want to be when you grow up?” “What do you want?” Make a choice. It’s all up to you.

This guy was actually the fucking coolest, most badass, hawtest, sexiest man on the planet. Do you know why? Because he risked his life for pussy. He fucking loved pussy soooo much, and because of that he’s a hero to me, and to anyone else who loves abortion as much as I do. Regardless of how you feel about abortion, you have to admire the fact that he was objectively badass. He also survived Auschwitz. This has always made me wonder if his determination for euthanizing pre-developed babies was imbued with the fact that he directly witnessed how shitty human beings can actually be. Splendid!

Today, in honor of Henry Morgentaler’s amazing life, we should all be reminded that while some resource sucking, verminous wastes of human flesh waste their 90s complaining and making things worse, Henry Morgentaler made things a whole lot better. Or at least, made it so that tons of unwanted babies were not born. And for that, we’re very grateful.

RIP HENRY

WE <3 YOU

Follow Kara on Twitter: @karacrabb

Previously:

The RCMP Thought Rita MacNeil Was a Communist

Stompin' Tom Connors Was Punk as Fuck