New Zealand Women Talk About Their Experiences of Abortion

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For New Zealand women, terminating a pregnancy is still technically illegal under the Crimes Act. To get one, you need to convince not one, but two doctors that having the child would result in serious danger to your mental or physical health. Rape or sexual assault aren't considered a justifiable grounds for an abortion. That's been the system for 40 years, and Prime Minister Bill English reckons it is working just fine. But even with all this dancing through legal loopholes, access to abortions isn't guaranteed. Over the last decade, more than 1500 women—including 250 last year–have been told by doctors their abortions were "not justified".

Data released this year found the majority of New Zealanders supported abortion in a number of circumstances, but the law doesn't look set to change soon. Today, parliament's Justice and Electoral committee is due to report back on its annual review of the Abortion Supervisory Committee. VICE spoke to women about their experiences having an abortion and what it was like to navigate the system.

VICE: Hi Anna. Can you tell us what the circumstances were of your pregnancy?
Anna: I was 21, and I had just broken up with my boyfriend and started seeing somebody new. I was kind of on the pill but never really took it properly, and then one day I was just pregnant. I was a real typical piece of shit 21 year old, you know, partying heaps and not looking after myself. The guy I was with, there was just no way it was going to be viable for us to have a baby together. My car broke down one day and my mum came to pick me up and I just told her on the side of the road. She was like, ok, we'll get it sorted out. Which was a relief, because I knew that's what I wanted to do anyway.

And what was the process for you?
I went to my family doctor, which was quite awkward because I've known him since I was about 6 years old. He was a man, and I kind of regret that part of it. I felt awkward. He said, "I don't really like to make these referrals or make these suggestions, it's not really what I believe in". That was a bit weird but I was by myself and I didn't really realise that it was not that cool for him to say that. He referred me to the clinic. I went there for an initial appointment, where they ask you questions like if I'm in the right frame of mind to be able to make this kind of decision, If I'm using drugs, what my relationship was. If there was any abuse happening to me, was my partner abusive. And from there they started kind of giving me suggestions, or leading me, like, "So, would you say that this will have a really negative impact on your mental health if you have to have this pregnancy?" And I was kind of like, "No. I'm just not ready to have a baby." They gave me a little pamphlet to read through, and said there's going to be someone else coming to talk to you and this is what you'll need to talk about. I had no idea that this was a legal thing that had to happen—I thought it was just some therapy.

So you didn't realise they were assessing whether you're legally allowed to have an abortion?
Yeah, I thought it was just going to happen. I didn't think there would be any reason they would say no. I guess because I was quite young, I didn't really realise how fucked up that was at the time—that they were suggesting that I was going to be mentally ill, basically. I did think afterwards, if it was about my mental health, well why didn't I get any help afterwards then? You know, why was I not followed up on or reached out to afterwards, because that's kind of when I was battling. Nobody asked me if I was alright, there was no emotional support. I did sort of memorise what was in the pamphlet to know what I should say. It felt like a test. But they signed me off and gave me a date. Because there's this massive long line of people waiting, I did have to wait a few weeks. They take you right up until the last point, that 12 week cutoff.

What do you think about it now, looking back?
I'm pretty fucked off that I couldn't just say: I don't want to have this baby because I'm not with the father, I don't have any kind of life to give a child. Now that I'm a mother myself and having gone through a full pregnancy I thought maybe it would make me sad about having had a termination, but it actually made me happy I did it. And pissed off that it was such a horrible experience. I almost feel like if i was in that position again and needed to have another [abortion] I would think twice about doing it. It was really physically painful. The way you're made to feel—I didn't tell any of my friends, I didn't tell my dad. The only person that knew was my mum, my sister and they guy. When I think about a 21-year old having to do that now it does make me really fucked off.

Hi Sally. What was going on when you found out you were pregnant?
It was a bad relationship, I was young and I felt it wasn't the right time to bring a child into this world—mostly due to the dynamics of the relationship, on reflection. It was extremely unhealthy. I truly believe witnessing unhealthy adult relationships has lasting and devastating effects on the mental health of children, and affects the way they form relationships in the future. It's not fair on them. I do intend on having children, but when I'm in good position financially and emotionally, so I can offer them the best life possible.

It was a hard decision, but when I found out, I was very early on. I was still unsure on the day, but I knew when I settled on a decision, I had to make that decision and never look back.

How would you describe the process?
The actual experience itself was swift and very clinical. Perhaps the hardest part was the series of mental health assessments prior. They made me start doubting myself. The women themselves were wonderful (nurses, doctors etc, all women), but the process was lengthy. Ironically, when I discovered I was pregnant, I was four weeks along. By the time I was able to have the termination, I was more like 8-9 weeks. I would say that undermines the "but it's a baby!" argument quite significantly. Without all the red tape, it would be easier to terminate while the foetus is very much still a set of cells.

Could you explain a bit more about the mental health assessments, why were they hard?
There were questions like, 'tell us more about your partner, what is his name, what happened in your relationship that makes it unhealthy?

What are your thoughts on the ethics around abortion?
It disgusts me that we are even having this discussion in 2017. The fact that it's still a crime? It's as absurd as homosexuality remaining a crime until the 80s.

I see pro-life people protesting on a busy street almost daily at the moment. I want to pull the finger. It's not something I believe people should comment on or have extreme views on unless they've been in the position themselves.

I was mortified to think some people would consider me a 'murderer'. I don't believe the argument that people use abortions as contraception is valid—it's not a nice process and I think most people in the waiting room with me were equally traumatised.

Hi Jen, why did you decide to have an abortion?
I was too young—I was in my 3rd year of Uni—I had no family support because my family lives overseas and a partner that wasn't sure about having a baby. I'm glad I did, I discovered he was cheating on me a few months after the abortion.

How did you find the process?
I had to get three referrals just to get to the clinic. Then I had several appointments with a psychologist that would ask me if I was sure about my decision every time I went to see her. She'd show me photos of different fetuses and she made me doubt my decision-making.

It was not easy and having to explain the situation over and over again was humiliating. You go through a roller coaster of emotions during the whole process.

They also asked me if I wanted the placenta to bury at home because I looked brown so I probably [would] want to participate in the Māori tradition—I didn't. I burst into tears and wondered what would I do with it? Am I a bad person because I don't want it? Should I have said yes?

The day of the abortion I arrived at the clinic and my name wasn't on the list. Of course. As a woman of colour I face reckless treatment, prejudice, and racism often. This time wasn't going to be an exception. Eventually they said they could "fit me in". It was quick and painful. I felt like an animal—the anaesthesia didn't kick in and the doctor had already started. I told the nurse I was feeling pain, and she said condescendingly, "no you're not".

Did you make a complaint? 
I didn't have a chance. Despite all of the interest from the psychologist to make sure I was making the 'right' decision—during the process—I was left alone after I left the clinic. I suffered from depression for a long time afterwards.

Hey Tamara. How old were you when had an abortion?
22

And what were the circumstances?
It was a drunk one night stand cliché. I skipped my period and thought something was brewing down below so I went to the nurse at uni for an STI check and lo and behold I was knocked up.

I didn't really feel upset or embarrassed—the nurse was super chill and nice and tried to impart some non-judgemental sympathetic words. I immediately knew I was going to have an abortion due to the circumstances. I was a broke ass student slash hadn't factored a baby into my plans to conquer the world quite yet

How would you describe the experience?
I really didn't feel emotionally affected by the experience, which gave me a complex because I felt like some of my close friends who knew about the abortion thought I was heartless for not 'feeling bad' or remorseful.

As for the process itself, I found it absolutely ludicrous having to justify myself to several health professionals. The system is bullshit—I was certainly sound of mind right throughout the entire process and having to declare myself legally as physically/mentally unfit to bear a child is dehumanising and detracts from my autonomy to make decisions about my body and my future.

Saying this, I equally felt bizarrely lucky to have free access to abortion services to the point where I was like, oh I'm SO lucky and I shouldn't complain about all the shitty loopholes I have to go through in order to get this parasite out (bullshit). Also, the surgeon performing my abortion was super unsympathetic to the physical pain experienced during the procedure.

How do you feel about the experience now?
I have internalised stigma around abortions—for example, I wouldn't share my experience with anyone who wasn't a close friend for fear of judgement. I wish that women had more autonomy and sovereignty over the decisions regarding their own reproductive rights.

*Names changed on request

Additional reporting Tess McClure

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