Getting Along is a column about taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and having difficult conversations, for people who struggle with all three.
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TL;DR: We find ourselves in a not-uncommon tough spot this year. How do we go about either convincing the family that hosting a physical Thanksgiving, which may be the last one my grandpa is present for, is not in the cards, or otherwise convince the anti-mask component of the family that they need to take this shit seriously, if only to spare our grandparents? A terrible truth about 2020: We can choose to do the right things, often at great personal cost, but other people—even people we care about, including our own relatives!—might be completely disinclined to make safe or wise choices. And when that happens, they aren’t just threatening themselves and others in the abstract sense; they are threatening people we know personally and feel a particular sense of duty to protect, and who we would feel like we failed if we didn’t do everything in our power to intervene. You’re right that this isn’t an uncommon spot to be in this year, and I’m sad and angry for you and for everyone who has to both make the decision to not see elderly relatives for what could be their last holiday, and—as if that weren’t enough!!!—convince their family members that the coronavirus is indeed a real threat. I know we’ve been at this for months now, but I’m freshly furious thinking about how outrageous it is that at least 225,000 people in the U.S. have died from COVID-19 complications, and there are still folks out here acting like it’s not that serious, or that flying to Mexico or going to a wedding right now or putting their own loved ones (and selves!!) at risk is a cool and fine thing to do.
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To be quite honest, I was simply not prepared for the ways in which facts would cease to matter in my adult life. When I think about the ways so many people are denying the reality of this pandemic, or the fact that the core belief of the ever-growing and fully delusional QAnon cohort is that prominent Democrats are trafficking children in order to kill them and then drink their blood and there’s kind of no way to convince them otherwise, I want to cry. Anyway!!! Here are some things that I think you and others who are dealing with similar situations this holiday season could try to get through to your relatives and plan a safer family gathering.You know that old work chestnut that says, “Don’t go to your boss with a problem without also bringing her a solution”? Well, that sentiment applies here. Don’t tell folks what they can’t do without offering some other options. Put some thought into what exactly you’d like everyone to do instead this year, and come up with a range of scenarios that you rank by safety. In an ideal world, you’d convince them to do a Zoom holiday, but if they simply won’t relent, no matter what you do or say, you may have to eventually pivot to trying to convince them to do a gathering with just two households instead of the typical six, or three households but outside. Beyond that, put a lot of thought into how, practically speaking, a Zoom holiday would work—and even be nice!—for your family, so you can approach these conversations with concrete suggestions. This could look like everything from “I’m going to mail Granny my old iPad and then call her and walk her through exactly how to use it” to “Mom and Uncle Jerry are going to divide up our traditional Thanksgiving menu and prepare the dishes at their own respective homes, and then will drive portions around and leave on each household’s porch the morning of so everyone can eat the traditional dinner ‘together.’” (Required reading for this step: How to Make Socially Distanced Holidays Actually Feel Special.)
Figure out your ideal alternate holiday scenarios.
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Thinking through the logistics and smallest details in advance shows you care enough to make this work (and to take on the brunt of planning), and gives you an opportunity to actually get your relatives excited about the alternative plan. They may just not be able to envision a distanced holiday at the moment, and part of what you need to do here is convince them that this will be much better and more holiday-esque than they think it will be.You know your family best, so you know what they are most likely to respond to, especially at this point in the pandemic. But keep in mind that coming with a ton of data might not actually help—because so much about the holidays and family dynamics are emotional, not logical. You should still be prepared to talk to them about the case numbers and hospitalizations where you all live and the fact that a “mild” case is quite uncomfortable in ways the flu is simply not (and many people are feeling the effects of their COVID infection for months). And go ahead and prepare your shortlist of examples of family events that turned into superspreader tragedies. But you should also think about why your family members are emotionally attached to celebrating in-person/as usual this year, and come up with some talking points that tap into feelings more than hard facts. That might sound more like…
Know that drilling your relatives with facts might not be the most effective route here.
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- “Even if we do celebrate together in person this year, it won’t be the same—we’ll have to take so many precautions and keep such a big distance, and we won’t be able to do things like hug or sing together around the piano or sit shoulder-to-shoulder while we eat. I actually think doing something entirely different will feel better than trying to pretend everything is normal when it’s so obviously not.”
- “I know I won’t be able to relax and enjoy myself if we get together; I’ll be too stressed about whether or not we’re breathing on each other, or taking enough precautions.”
- “We’ve been doing this for so long already, and I’d hate to give up now and have the past several months be for nothing. And I’m worried that that’s exactly my kind of luck.”
- “I understand that you don’t care if you get sick, but I care if you get sick or if you die—I would be devastated to lose you right now, and to not even be able to be with you in the hospital or attend your funeral or grieve with other people because we can’t gather together.”
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I don’t think that “die” is a magic word that will instantly change hearts and minds, but I do think we need to name our fears, and not tiptoe around the reality of this situation. A normal family Thanksgiving could end in death. No one thinks the worst is going to happen to them, but it keeps happening. In terms of the conversations, you have a few options, though you might need to go down all three paths anyway. Whether this makes sense depends on the relationship you have with your grandparents, and how much you talk directly about things like this (versus talking through your parents).I do think it’s important to start by talking to them yourself, if that’s possible/makes sense for your relationship, because it’s a way to remind yourself that your grandparents aren’t sweet little old people—they are grown adults with agency (who might also happen to be sweet and old and little). I understand why it might feel like they are being taken advantage of by your other relatives, and, of course, they might be! But treating them as dopey or helpless or fragile is likely to put them on the defensive, and only talking to your COVID-spreading cousin about them—versus talking to them directly—communicates “you’re old so your opinions don’t matter.” On that note, keep in mind that your grandparents might really bristle at being treated as high-risk (even if they very much are), elderly (even if it’s true), or incapable of making decisions for themselves (even if you find their decisions… questionable). This Washington Post article on talking to older relatives is a good primer on this topic, and also has helpful practical tips for tough conversations with aging relatives.
Option 1: Talk to your grandparents directly.
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(With this in mind, does it make sense to make this more about your safety than theirs? That is, they might not mind risking it all to be able to see their grandkids, or they might not believe they are at risk… but they might respond to the idea of not wanting to kill their grandkids.)Your parent—your grandparents’ child—knows their parents well, and is likely comfortable disagreeing with them or even fighting with them, and also knows what does and does not work to persuade them. If they can be blunt in a way you simply can’t be, have more regular contact with your grandparents, or can talk to their siblings directly about what’s going on, that approach might make the most sense. If, on the other hand, you know your parent is super non-confrontational (or is just terrible at arguing with your grandparents), you might be better off doing it yourself. Regardless, it’s still worthwhile to have a conversation with your parent about all of this. Ideally, they’ll back you up and be willing to strategize with you about the best way to handle the situation. For example, if your family’s traditional gathering is kind of dependent on your dad being willing to cook/host everyone, he can refuse to do that. Or your mom can say she isn’t going to go to an in-person dinner this year, and neither will you or your siblings, thus cutting the total number of households/attendees down. The latter isn’t the best solution, but it’s something—and once a couple of key family members drop out, everyone might start to realize that this year is going to look different, and be willing to start talking through what a Zoom event might look like.
Option #2: Talk to your parent (or a close aunt or uncle) about the issue, and see what they can do to intervene.
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Option #3: Talk to your cousin directly about the issue.
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