I was listening to an episode of the Deadcast while doing dishes or some such shit in the kitchen when, unbeknownst to me, my seven-year-old wandered in just in time to overhear you dropping a big fat F-bomb. She dutifully informed me I should not be listening to such foul language in her presence, but it got me thinking: If she's smart enough to know what is and is not a "bad word", do I really have to watch myself around her anymore? She seems to understand which words she should or should not be saying, so what good does it do for me to censor myself? I've clearly already fulfilled my social obligation to make sure she realizes she probably shouldn't go around saying "Fuck you" or "Eat shit" all the time, so I'd say my job is done here. Thoughts?
You know, I've been writing the column for over a decade and this is probably the simplest (in a good way) question I've ever gotten. Like, usually, my job is to ponder the hypothetical choice between eating a dead baby and eating a live puppy, but YOU, Will, just came out and asked me a normal-ass question. This is like speed dating! Anyway my answer is "Tilted" by Sugar, and here it is.That song has never gotten old to me, and I first heard it 22 years ago. So I don't think it'll wear out of my rotation anytime soon. I have flings with other songs, of course. I still love that moment when you hear a new song and you're like OMG THIS IS THE BEST SHIT EVER and you play it 2,000 times in a row before, finally, fatigue sets in. But what's even cooler is songs that somehow defy that fatigue and just last, and last, and last. "Tilted" is one of mine. I'll still listen to old STP when I'm stoned, traveling in my mind back to the days when I couldn't get enough of it. But when I'm sober I'm pretty much past that.What's your favorite song of all time? Mine is "Interstate Love Song" by STP. It makes zero sense but god dammit if it doesn't get me going every time.
Joe, I can't believe you'd have that opinion, either. I don't turn my nose up at square-cut pizza, but if you think I'm eating LESS pizza because I prefer wedge slices, you don't know me from the hole in your ass. I want my pizza floppy (I'm a folder) and I DEFINITELY want it greasy. The grease is the best part. I ain't doing the napkin sop-up like it's 2000. Gimme ALL of the rotten cheese oil. Shoot it into my spine. I don't need my pizza sliced like I'm throwing a birthday party for a 10-year old in Indiana.Now if you're talking about SICILIAN style pizzas (or, as my obviously Italian ancestors call it, IL SICILIANO MANGIA), then maybe we can have a more civilized debate. I enjoy walking into a Joe Ray Vinny Mario's and ogling those big thick squares like I'm staring out an airplane window at massive crop lines in the earth. There are enough calories in a Sicilian-style pie to power a nuclear reactor. But I still need to fold. Can't fold a square. Too awkward.Adam:Floppy, greasy NY pizza is trash. Square pizza is amazing because you end up eating twice as much with the smaller pieces and feeling like you're a giant (or a colossal glutton). I can't believe this is the opinion that finally caused me to write in.
Somewhere along the line, visors got a bad rap, but I declare to you that it is undeserved. As a tennis player, I find them perfect for playing outdoor sports when you want maximum air circulation to stay cool, but also need to shield your eyes when sunglasses aren't the best option (sweat on the lenses, etc). Enter the topless hat. Anyway, visors are good. Fight me!
I like Minnesota winters much more than New England winters and even more so, at times, than Maryland winters. New England winters are dark and shitty. Maryland doesn't get enough snow to make winter sports a routine thing. Minnesota is colder than Belichick at a press conference but A) The sun always shines, B) There's always snow on the ground on ice on the lakes to play on, and C) Everyone there enjoys being cold and doesn't bitch about it. So no, winter in Minnesota ain't bad.I'm moving with my fiancee to Rochester, Minn., for her job. I've lived in Pittsburgh, Philly, Knoxville and Columbus and only thing I know about the state is what I've read from you and seen during NHL or NFL games. Is winter really that bad, and do you have any pointers?
Yeah no, fuck that. A mattress? That's deranged. BUY A SLEEPING BAG, LOU. If someone wants me to store something for him these days, I'm gonna assume the item has 100 kilos of heroin stashed inside of it. Much too dangerous. Also, I would never store something for someone on the assumption they can come crash anytime they feel like it. I'd say that even if it weren't COVID season. I don't want constant houseguests. My mom and dad can visit anytime they like (except for right now because disease). But my buddy Carl? No. I draw the line at Carl. This isn't a hotel.Once or twice a year I host out of town friends for tabletop gaming weekends. One time, one of them brought his own (not inflatable) mattress, which fine because I understand sleep needs. As he was packing up he tried to convince me to store his mattress in my house for the next time, which I thought was unreasonable and weird. Is there anything you'd feel comfortable storing for a friend in these situations? Surely not a whole mattress?
HALFTIME!
I remember watching Beastmaster when I a kid too, but I was only eight years old when it was released so the sight of boobs in a movie freaked me out. Also, that movie has a scene where a sketchy enchanter magically teleports the insides of a pregnant lady into a cow. See it here in all its majesty:I'm 45, so truly an 80's kid. Can you think of anyone besides Tanya Roberts as being the queen of 80's PG movies? This gorgeous woman helped me become a man by showing her breasts in not one but two (!!)-PG rated movies. She first enthralled me in the Beastmaster and then followed that up with the even more gratuitous Sheena. How was this even possible for back then? Red Dawn was the first PG-13 movie released (Aug 10 th , 1984), yet Sheena came out one week after (Aug 17th , 1984)? PG-13 was a result of outrage over violence in movies (Temple of Doom heart extraction scene, Kali ma…Kali ma shook da daa!!!) yet they let the breasts go unchecked. This brings up another question as to when did we then get desensitized to violence and turned on nudity towards ratings for movies?
Now see, if Arjay here had been raised on a steady diet of Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies, he wouldn't fear his blender! Anyway I use an immersion blender but the only thing I fear is my wife telling me that I'm scratching the bottom of the pan with it. Otherwise, I operate that bad boy with impunity. I find a regular blender much more daunting. One time I was making falafel batter like a REAL MAN in the blender and some shit got stuck on the bottom because my blender is a cheap piece of shit. So I dip a wooden spoon handle into the batter WHILE THE BLENDER IS STILL RUNNING. The blade chips off the end of the handle and sends it flying out of the jar, like a fucking bullet. I still ate the falafel balls afterward. They were fucking terrible. Never again.What is the scariest kitchen appliance? I cut my hand on my mandoline earlier even though I was paying a super huge amount of attention to it, it caught the meat just under my thumb. Mandolines just make me instantly wary. However I think the scariest is hands-down the immersion blender. I always have horrible thoughts about it jerking up out of my sauce and jamming right into my eye.
Oh hell yeah I'd want to be able to pick my own gold medal song. I think we've all heard the anthem enough times already, have we not? Gimme Shawn Michaels' entrance music instead. "Sexy Boy" will make everyone in the stadium take not just one knee, but TWO.(In all seriousness I'd pick "Millionaire" by QOTSA because it's quick and mean, and it would make me feel cool.)Garrison:Licensing issues aside, would it be better if after winning gold at the Olympics, you could pick whatever song you wanted rather than your country's anthem? Also in this scenario, what you choose and why?
That is intensely fucking stupid. I'm on record saying it's a waste of time to play the anthem before every sporting event. But if you're gonna do it, then do it right. Don't set off fireworks in the middle of it. Don't go berserker on the O! part, especially if you're not even at a fucking Orioles game (people in DC do this all the time and it's brain dead). Don't have stealth bombers flying overhead. Just play it quick and unadorned, and then get to the action. Every team treats the anthem like it's the Super Bowl halftime show. And for what? What good has it fucking done? Now we're all home and we're all gonna go broke and die. Oh, but the Blue Angels made contrails in the shape of a heart over an emergency field hospital nearby. Wow. What a fucking unifying moment.Christian:So I'm at a Seattle Mariners game one night, and during the national anthem, they set off about 10 seconds of fireworks in the middle. Idk your opinions on the national anthem being played, but the fireworks make it a joke, right? Like, it's ridiculous.
I'd like to see an Olympic gymnast forced to wear a NASCAR uniform. Simone Biles jumping thirty feet in the air with GOODYS HEADACHE POWDER plastered across her back.What do you think would be the funniest/most challenging incorrect uniform to wear while playing a certain sport? I'm thinking wearing a speedo and a swim cap and goggles would make hockey incredibly uncomfortable.
Email of the week!
Somehow he'd come back to Earth alive. He's too stupid to die.Here's the latest scheme I've hatched up to deal with Trump. We get the NASA folks to draft up a letter stating that, inspired by our brilliant president's commitment to Space Force, they've completed a prototype rocket that will be the first to put a man on Mars. In order to test it, they want to send it to the moon, which is a total slam dunk/gimme/etc. and they want the Chief himself (and perhaps some of his finest cabinet members) to fly the craft. With DJT's "incredible physical fitness", he's a shoo-in for the rigors of being an astronaut, and the craft is basically a luxury space liner anyway so it really won't be that tough. There's no way he turns down the chance to be the first president on the moon, right? Anyway, they load him up and shoot him straight into the sun or whatever, and there's enough plausible deniability to just call it a one-in-a-billion accident.