Getting Along is a column about taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and having difficult conversations, for people who struggle with all three.
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Trying to avoid a worst-case scenario (by considering the concept of not dying) isnât âoverreacting.â You donât need a âgoodâ reason (like being immunocompromised or uninsured) to be scared of COVID-19, or to be âallowedâ to tell your housemate, "No, your friend who went to a warehouse party last night cannot work from our apartment today because they are âlonely.â Also, wash your hands after you go pee, what the hell!!!!"Everyone has good reason to worry and to change their lifestyle in the name of public and personal health, and you are absolutely allowed to say something to a person you live with who's downplaying or ignoring that. Even if you were perceived as overreactingâwell, fine! If your roommate thinks less of you because you set a firm boundary, thatâs a Them Problem, and one that you can handle. (On the other hand, the consequences of not saying anything could be exhausting, terrifying, expensive, and possibly deadlyâso, fairly difficult to handle.)If youâre living with someone who refuses to take the expert recommendations for âflattening the curveâ seriously and you donât know what to do, here are some tips to consider.If you havenât specifically hashed out health and safety preparations/expectations with your housemate(s), now is the time. Like, tonight. Copy and paste this text to them: âHey, are you free tonight? Iâd like to sit down and talk through the latest coronavirus news and get on the same page about what we should be doing at home about it.âBefore you meet, familiarize yourself with what doctors are saying, read up on the importance of staying home, know how bad âmildâ symptoms can be, and take a minute to read the new research that indicates that people without symptoms might be causing a substantial number of new infections. You should go into the conversation fully prepared to explain the logic behind what youâre asking them to do.
Have a house meeting about expectations and plans for the coming weeks.
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When you're done researching, figure out exactly how your house rules about hygiene need to change right now. Does your housemate need to start washing their hands more? Start regularly sanitizing surfaces? Cancel a game night they planned for this weekend? (The CDC has some suggestions and a checklist that might be helpful.)The reasoning among COVID-19 skeptics varies from person to person, although it's all ill-conceived. If this is your roommate, ask what their thinking is: Is the fact that theyâre young and healthy making them believe theyâll only get a âmildâ infection? Are they just not following the news? Do they keep insisting this coronavirus is no worse than the flu? Are they insistent that they need to go to the gym every morning for the sake of their mental health? Are they âtoo busyâ to clean the apartment? Figuring this out will help you talk to them from a place of empathy, and allow you to tailor your argument accordingly.But remember that this person is being unreasonable, so you might not actually be able to reason with them. If you canât get through to them, accept thatâitâs time to figure out how you can be pragmatic and protect yourself, regardless of what reality they are living in.In normal circumstances where you were worried about catching something, youâd likely try to avoid sharing germs. How you need to clean right now follows a lot of the same logic. Doing this probably means youâre going to have to clean/disinfect some of your housemateâs stuff instead of expecting them to do it themselves. Is this fair? No. Does it matter? Not right now. (It might matter when itâs time to renew your lease, though!)Thereâs no need to follow your housemate around with a bottle of Lysolâthe CDC recommends waiting âas long as practicalâ after a sick person has used a shared space before cleaning it. Just make sure you do it before you use the space.
If your housemate is resistant to changing their behavior or taking precautions, make a good faith effort to understand why.
If you canât change their mind, proceed as though someone in your shared living space is sick with a cold or the flu.
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In terms of COVID-19 specifically, the CDC has guidelines for cleaning that you should bookmark. A few highlights:
- If you have disposable gloves, put them on before you clean. (If not, wash your hands thoroughly before and after, and try to avoid getting cleaning products on your skin.) Use a household cleaner to remove dirt, crumbs, etc. on the surfaces, then use a disinfectant (like a bleach solution) to kill the germs. (The CDC has a lot more info on what qualifies as a âdisinfectant.â) Hit all the high-touch surfaces in common areasâdoorknobs; light switches; sink fixtures; and the handles of your microwave, fridge, dishwasher, and oven. Ideally, youâd do this after each use; since your housemate isnât doing this (or is doing it extremely rarely), go ahead and do it at that âideallyâ rate, even if itâs annoying.
- Open the window(s) in common areas as often as you can; this will help keep fresh air circulating (and give you a break from the bleach fumes).
- Make sure all trash cansâincluding the small one in the bathroomâhave a liner/trash bag in them.
- Stop sharing personal household items immediately. That includes dishes, drinkware, eating utensils, towels, and bedding. Do a small load of dishesâif you have a dishwasher, run it on the "sanitize" setting; if you're doing them by hand, wear glovesâand then move a few plates, bowls, forks, etc. to a clean spot in your room and use those exclusively.
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Stay in your room.
Put your foot down about visitors.
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Donât hesitate to take a strong stance if they are palpably not well.
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Because, look: Maybe they donât have health insurance, or are terrified of the reality of the situation, or donât want to admit they got sick after days of insisting they werenât going to get sick. The only way to find out is to ask directly, and insist they engage with you.What you shouldnât do is continue to operate from a place of prioritizing your housemateâs comfort over your own. Your comfort, health, and safetyâand the publicâsâare non-negotiable right now. Itâs OK to have a strong reaction, to not just keep the peace. Tests remain extremely limited, hospitals are totally unprepared for an influx of patients, and the nationâs leading authority on infectious diseases has told Congress, âThings will get worse.âIt's time to stop pretending that proceeding germily through life without taking any precautionsâor being egregiously apatheticâis totally cool and fine. Things aren't totally cool and fine. They will be even less totally cool and fine if those close to you continue to act put-upon by the idea that they should care for others, including you.Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.Rachel Miller is the author of The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People, coming May 2020. Follow her on Twitter.