A Short Guide to Not Embarrassing Yourself on the Canadian Election Campaign Trail

It's not easy being a wealthy white man who is vying to run a multi-trillion dollar economy. But somehow, these guys are making it work.

As the intermediate march towards oblivion continues, the three main political party leaders—plus Elizabeth May and that guy who runs the Bloc Quebecois—are trying to convince people that they, and not the virtually-identical guy they're running against, are the best person to be hated by most of the country for two-to-five years.

Here are a few pointers on how to do so.

DO: Hold election meetings with children. When you are 10 points behind the NDP amongst youth, perhaps it's time to interact with more children.

DON'T: Walk around telling people that you want to grow the economy "from the heart outwards" unless you're promising a national cash-for-plasma program, where down-on-their-luck fleshbags can hawk their type O Negative for sweet, sweet blood money.

DON'T: Go to one of Thomas Mulcair's boat parties. There will be men in bowties. It will probably be a sex thing. (Possible name: The Bobbing Bear Booze Cruise)

DO: Wear whatever the fuck this is to a pride party hosted by your hippy dippy carbon-neutral airplane business friends. You look like a Keebler elf en route to prom. And that's great. You do you, Liz May. You do you.

DON'T: Wander through a Tim Hortons while being Gilles Duceppe, appearing genuinely surprised to see people there who remember who you are. They remember you, Gilles, but they're still not going to vote for you.

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