Advertisement
If you agree that tweets are the primary communication of our time and that in years to come stand-out tweets will be ushered into the literary cannon, that 50 Cent taking his grandmother's garbage out will one day be considered as important as, say, Ulysses, then arguably, yes: this Jermain Defoe tweet feigning excitement about three tins and two cartons of custard is his own personal "For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn".Wow. Just got a surprise delivery from — Jermain Defoe (@IAmJermainDefoe)August 22, 2014
But, right, listen: would Jermain Defoe have tweeted this picture of him posing unconvincingly with some custard had he had a responsible adult around? A little hand around the shoulder to say: "Hey, Jermain, shh. No. Shh. Don't tweet the Ambrosia, mate. You look really sad. You look really sad at custard." A friend, you know? A protector. A guardian. A PA.Reader, I could be that PA.§Jermain Defoe is looking for a PA. Here's the advert, on a funly-named secretary website called "Secs in the City". You, like me, are probably screaming right now, "MY HEAD IS A WHIRL! I MUST BE JERMAIN DEFOE'S PA!": buddy, I get you. But let's step back and pick some topline thoughts, some assorted highlights:On NOISEY: How Common is Ghostwriting, And Should You Be Okay With It?
Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement
My worry is that Jermain Defoe is not capable of living without paid assistance. My worry is the future of Jermain Defoe. Jermain Defoe is 32: there's only so many years he can continue to tonk in ten goals a year in the Premier League. Then the MLS beckons, or Qatar, or India. And then what? Jermain Defoe, the only man on earth to have ever downloaded the Jermain Defoe app, sitting quietly alone in his kitchen, unable to comprehend how to care for his dogs. Jermain Defoe, stranded in a colossal Teeside mansion, unable to organise a ticket-for-one trip to the Odeon in his post-career, post-PA world. Jermain Defoe, not knowing Oswald Boateng's phone number, driving trouserless to Lee Cattermole's wedding. Jermain Defoe eating a cold tin of custard.On VICE Sports: Player of the Weekend – James Morrison, for services to anonymity
Advertisement