My Top Picks for Trump's Next White House Hire

On Tuesday, the New York Times reported that Gary Cohn, the president's top economic adviser, will resign in the coming days. News of his exit comes on the coattails of White House Communications Director Hope Hicks announcing last week that she, too, will be stepping down in the near future. Cohn and Hicks join a fast-growing list of ex-Trump administration aides: Steve Bannon (former chief strategist), Mike Dubke (former communications director), Anthony "The Mooch" Scaramucci (also former communications director), Sean Spicer (former press secretary), Michael Flynn (former national security adviser), Sebastian Gorka (former adviser), Omarosa Manigault Newman (former communications official), Rob Porter (former staff secretary), Dina Powell (former deputy national security adviser), Reince Priebus (former chief of staff), Katie Walsh (former deputy chief of staff), Tom Price (former health secretary), Keith Schiller (former director of Oval Office operations), et al.

On Tuesday, Trump insisted that there were "many people wanting the job" Cohn no longer wants, and that "the new Fake News narrative that there is CHAOS in the White House [is] wrong." But it's safe to assume he's struggling to attract talent right now. Luckily for him, I've gone ahead and created a shortlist of viable candidates who just might love their president or hate themselves enough to accept the position.

President Trump, you're welcome.

Having already won Celebrity Apprentice, and known for his own wild Twitter antics, British fuckwad Piers Morgan would fit right in at the Trump White House.

Plus, we know that Trump values fealty above all, and the fact that Morgan posted an illustration of him licking Trump's butt on his personal Twitter account three separate times proves his love for the president knows no bounds.

Although having a cabinet member more orange than Trump might be considered some kind of threat, Hogan would infuse the Trump administration with the pro-wrestling edge it currently lacks.

Omarosa's tenure in the White House didn't last long—although compared to Flynn and Scaramucci she lasted a lifetime—but that doesn't mean the president shouldn't try out another Celebrity Apprentice loser. Busey has been a Trump supporter since the beginning, endorsing his candidacy for president way back in 2011, and if Donald Trump needs anything, it's a friend.

After Mike Tyson was convicted of rape in 1992, Donald Trump rushed to his defense. Now it's time for Mike to repay Donald for his support, and join his crumbling administration.

Actress and notorious anti-vaccine activist Jenny McCarthy is another celeb who would be perfect for Trump's White House. After all, Trump's charity donated $10,000 to McCarthy's anti-vaccine nonprofit, and as the president once tweeted, "Healthy young child goes to doctor, gets pumped with massive shot of many vaccines, doesn't feel good and changes - AUTISM. Many such cases!"

Donald Trump has had less than kind words for Baldwin's brother Alec—"[his] dying mediocre career was saved by his terrible impersonation of me on SNL," the president tweeted—but that shouldn't discount Stephen! A notorious conservative who also competed on Celebrity Apprentice, he would make a great addition to the Trump administration simply because he may not have anything else going on.

Hot dog—just a hot dog. Hot dog has no politics. Hot dog will never leave. Unless he eat hot dog. But hot dog OK with that. Hot dog OK with whatever.

To quote a great poet, "Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an 'L' on her forehead / Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb."

The president likes his family, and it seems like Barron is the only Trump who would be able to get the security clearance needed to join the administration. Everybody wins.

Might as well finish off the job and wreck it all.

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